I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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