Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
