and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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