Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
