I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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