Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
