Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
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