So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
