ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I had to cum in my sink.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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