I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
