i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
