Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
