dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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