Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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