can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
