I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
