Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Randomize
