K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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