I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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