No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
