just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
