The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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