I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize