By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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