Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
