thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
