this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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