I could make wine with my vomit
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
