Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
