onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
