Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
