fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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