roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
