You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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