I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
