bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
