If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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