wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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