You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
