God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
