On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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