i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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