Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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