last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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