i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
