Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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