Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
