Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
When did angry sex become our thing?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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