i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
