she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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