Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize