Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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