I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
