we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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