is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize