So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Randomize
