I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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